When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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