I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize