I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
