i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
