yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
