p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
