I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
