thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
