You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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