Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
