He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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