walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
