So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
