I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
