why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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