Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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