I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize