god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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