i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
