I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
