Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
