i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
