Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
