So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
