Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
