I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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