Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
