Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
