I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
