when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
