he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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