And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
