Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
