apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
