i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
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You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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