Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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