I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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