we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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