All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
