I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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