So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
