I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
