Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
