You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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