i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
