Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
