shes about as inviting as chlamydia
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
