shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
