If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
