he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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