she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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